What More Do You Want?

Ever have one of those days where you get into a fight and you are just saying the first things that come to mind and then after you stop yelling...you suddenly realize what you said and are utterly appalled at yourself?

Well that happened to me today.

Afterward, I did my very best to apologize to the person I said those things to, those awful things. I thought everything was all right. I even got an 'i love you' later from that person. I thought my apology was accepted.

Boy was I wrong. That'll teach me to assume anything.

In any case, things went even further south when everyone was starting to head to bed. At least I stay up late so I can calm down and not be so upset. It gave me the chance to write this poem.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore. The only thing it seems I can do is stay away, find a way to be invisible, or simply stay out of the house as much as possible. Find things to occupy my time and efforts and hunt for jobs.

I don't even know if the person I had this fight with will read this or not. But I wrote it for me. I wrote it because I'm utterly lost. And one of the people I'm supposed to be able to turn to when I'm lost I can't talk to anymore. I don't know how to speak with them anymore. I don't know how to live around them anymore.

That's what this poem is about. All the things I feel like I'm doing right, that I've gotten down to the very best of my ability and yet...always made to feel like I've never made a dent in the kind of person I'm supposed to be.

Maybe more people feel this way out there. I hope there are. Otherwise...the future looks very depressing indeed.


What More Do You Want?


The economy sucks
but I have to search for a job.
I look daily.
I look all day long.
What more do you want?


I've gotten interviews
and taken tests.
I apply for everything.
Everything under the sun.
What more do you want?


I learned how to cook
and learned to clean.
I dress nice.
I take pride in my appearance.
What more do you want?


I tell you I'm there
for you when you need it.
I offer my hand.
I offer my listening ear.
What more do you want?


I pretend that everything is ok
even though it's not.
I fake a smile.
I fake my kindness.


I express my thoughts
in the most logical way I can.
I speak evenly.
I speak matter of factly.
What more do you want?


I can't take it anymore
as I hit the last straw in the pile.
I explode.
I let you have it.
What more do you want?


Now I'm the evil one
with you standing over me.
I am suddenly a little girl again.
I am made to feel small.
What more do you want?


You never realize
what you've done.
You could care less.
You won't even try.
What more do you want?


I'm ready now
to pack my things and go.
I won't ever look back.
I won't ever call.
What more do you want?


In all my years,
we've never understood each other.
I know what happened to you.
I know the pain you went through.
I know the hurt in your heart.
I know where this is coming from.


Do you know what's happening to me?
Do you know that pain I'm going through?
Do you know the hurt in my heart?
Do you know where I'm coming from?


I'll take my step back.
I'll hide my feelings.
I'll stay out of your way.
I'll be invisible.


What more do you want?

Hopefully someone out there reads this and realizes that they are not alone. That I know their pain. I know the hopelessness of something better. For everyone that feels like this just know...you have a sister in me.
This is Creative Karma writing out my hopes one line at a time.